How long affairs usually last

Beautiful things can grow in that climate-controlled environment. But once you take your delicate flower out into the real world, it dies. Because It was never meant to withstand the climate of a real relationship. It was meant to be kept in secret for you to enjoy behind closed doors. But then the marriage ends, and you no longer have to escape it. So, why hang onto someone who only made your misery a teensy bit more tolerable? Part of the reason for the affair was the thrill of that sudden connection and secret passion between you.

The short answer? Now that everyone knows about it, you feel like a terrible person. And the one you were cheating with is a painful reminder of that. Sometimes, the only reason for the affair is mutual lust. This type of affair is the quickest to fizzle. It can last as little as an hour, or drag on for months. But sex is all you really want from each other. If the affair wrecks the marriage, though, the cheater has no reason to hold onto their affair, let alone marry the person they were cheating with.

If you ask a group of ten people who had an affair why they engaged in the act, you will probably receive ten different answers. Affairs are complex, and they manifest from numerous factors, including:. Affairs can quickly become consuming and tantalizing. Relationship therapist David Lechnyr indicates that fantasies always feel more exciting than the daily routines and realities of everyday life.

The taboo remains taboo. The betraying partner gets to see this new person at their best- time and time again- which can create an irresistible fantasy bond.

Lechnyr also indicates that non-sexual affairs can be even more addictive. Imagination, after all, can be far more seductive than the truth.

We enter this world as helpless infants needing attention and security. It may become somewhat more refined, particularly as we become more independent, but we all desire the reassurance that we are loved.

Many times, cheating happens as a result of fragile egos and the desire for validation. People who cheat will often cite that the other person made them feel special or worthy. They may share how their spouse stopped offering them that reassurance. Feelings of lust and attraction release all kinds of hormones , including testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin.

Spending more time together reinforces the reward system in the brain. This reward system can create intense feelings of giddiness, euphoria, and sexual attraction. This can create a vicious cycle- even if someone wants to stop the affair, they may find it challenging to do so.

Or they might feel guilty or ashamed for having specific needs. They may even feel like they have fallen out of love with their spouse. Whatever the specific reason, an affair can exacerbate this avoidance.

By moving outside the marriage, the person can focus on something new and exciting. This can help them forget or deny their actual reality. Commitment can have different definitions depending on who you ask. Even in a marriage, people may have disagreeing perceptions of what constitutes an affair.

For example, someone might deny to their partner and to themselves that they are actually having an affair. Or, you might suspect your partner has an inappropriate friendship , even if they insist everything is fine. If someone feels insecure in their marriage, they may feel more apt to look outside of it. On the other hand, feeling admired by someone new feels novel and thrilling. Narcissists are notorious for engaging in affairs. They inherently value power and control, and they also believe they are above mainstream rules.

If confronted about suspicious behavior, narcissists will often gaslight or lie about the affair. Sexual compatibility is an integral part of relationship health, and constant disagreements or about sex can result in tension. Some research shows that sexual performance anxiety is a risk factor for infidelity. Some people may find themselves too nervous to talk or engage in sex with their partner.

Subsequently, they may look outside the marriage for a lower-pressure way to fulfill their needs. Additionally, feeling confined in a sexless marriage can increase the desire to have an affair. Some people have affairs to retaliate against their spouse. This can happen if they feel betrayed by them cheating or by other harmful acts. This can be true, but it only increases the level of mistrust in a relationship. What percentage of marriages have affairs? This research may be surprising to people who assume men are exclusively responsible for infidelity.

Some affairs are quite brief, lasting only a few physical interactions. Others may be more complex and nuanced- these affairs that last for years tend to involve emotional and physical intimacy. Most affairs last between one month to about a year. However, about a third of affairs survive longer than two years. The duration of the affair often depends on how the affair dissolves.

The majority of affairs start with friends or coworkers, although infidelity can happen anywhere and with anyone. Many individuals who get involved in an affair have not been able to go beyond the romantic unrealistic and often short term ideal or falling-in-love phase that often characterizes the first phase of romantic relationships. Sexual infidelity by a woman, either actual or suspected, significantly increases the likelihood of spousal battering and spousal homicide.

No marriage is immune from affairs. Preventing infidelity requires ongoing, honest communication and commitment to sexually exclusive monogamy, among other measures. As infidelity takes place in a certain social, historical and evolutionary context, no couple can fully understand why an affair happens by looking only at their own marriage.

Some of the estimates in the United States are: 1 in every 2. Narcissistic individuals may be especially prone to marital infidelity. While some of those who were involved in affairs report high marital satisfaction, research has shown, not surprisingly, a general inverse correlation between marriage satisfaction and infidelity. People having affairs tend to rationalize their behavior, and a part of that rationalization is ignoring or denying the possibility of any negative consequences, such as divorce or acquiring STD.

Many researchers have found out that one can feel a strong attachment to the spouse and still be madly attracted to and romantically in love with someone else. Contrary to one commonly held view, many people who report being in happy marriages commit adultery. Generally affairs that take place earlier on in the marriage are more highly correlated with dissatisfaction than those that take place later on in the marriage. Men in long-term marriages, who had affairs, had very high marital satisfaction.

On the other hand, women in long-term marriages who had an affair had very low marital satisfaction. Some research reports that extramarital sex can increase sexual activity within the marriage. The hydraulic pump theory that there is only that much sexual energy available and it is spent outside the marriage with nothing left for the spouse, has been debunked by several researchers.

Some affairs are better kept secret. Not all affairs must be disclosed. There are situations where disclosure can result in domestic violence or even murder or trigger extreme emotional response by the psychologically vulnerable un-involved partner. Some couples consent to extramarital affairs. Sometimes the consent is implicit and at other times is explicit. It can be passive or actively and openly constructed.

A striking paradox is that while polls indicate 90 percent disapproved of extramarital relationships, almost a third engaged in such relationships. Unlike what we may predict from analytic or behavioral therapies, there are no findings on the influence of parental infidelities on the likelihood of their children engaging in infidelity.

Having children increases the likelihood of marital affairs. Lifetime rates of infidelity are twice as high among men and women who have been divorced or legally separated. Not only did AIDS not reduce infidelity, in fact less than one-half of individuals reporting sex outside the marriage use condoms with their primary and secondary sex partners. Top of Page Approaches to Affairs and Infidelity Researchers, psychologists, anthropologists and clinicians significantly differ in their approaches to dealing with infidelity.

Top of Page Typology of Affairs Affairs come in different formats. Following are short descriptions of eleven different types of affair: 1. Travel, late night meetings and many other work-related activities significantly increase the possibilities for affairs.

Women use the Internet in increased numbers, which opens endless possibilities to meet potential partners online and to have online or actual affairs. There is a significant decrease of physical, negative legal and emotional consequences and risk for women found to be having an affair.

While women still face physical risk if their husband finds out about their affair, long gone are the days of women automatically losing everything as a result of infidelity, including children, properties they owned prior to the marriage and even their lives. The first written evidence of laws treating women as possessions of men dates to about B. Change has been gradual and slow to come. Women are more willing to risk divorce, as they are increasingly more capable of taking care of themselves and their children economically, physically and emotionally.

There is a decreased pressure on women to serve primarily, or at all, in the role of mothers and home-keeper, which increase the risk of divorce. Phase 1: Affair Takes Place General Description: Affairs can happen suddenly and unpredictably or can develop over a long period of time.

They can last a very short time or a lifetime. Unless it is an open affair, in most cases, secrecy, lies and deceit take a direct or indirect toll on the relationships.

The nature of the affair often dramatically changes once the betrayed partner has discovered or is ready to confront the involved partner. The discovery can happen abruptly or it can evolve gradually over a period of time when suspicion grows and there is at last a realization that the affair is indeed taking place and confrontation ensues.

Often the discovery of an affair or the confrontation regarding an affair launches the couple into a marital crisis. Clinical Notes: Therapists may be privy to an affair before the uninvolved spouse when the unfaithful partner reveals the secret during individual therapy. Therapists should also try to identify the type of affair it is and sort out if it is driven by addiction, desire to score, midlife crisis, marital dissatisfaction, etc. Therapists should attempt to be compassionate, understand the historical, cultural, marital, and other forces that may have contributed to the affair.

Physical risk must be considered with women of certain cultures and situations. When therapists have an un-negotiated, moralistic, punitive or negative judgment regarding the affair, they should state it clearly to the client at the beginning of therapy and offer the client referrals to other therapists who may have a different attitude towards affairs. Phase 2: Discovery, Confrontation and Crisis General Description: When a secretive extramarital affair comes to light, it often launches a marital crisis.

The compromised partner often feels a sense of betrayal, violation, despair, hopelessness, rage, anger, revenge, fear i. These reactions may resemble a response to catastrophic events. Common reactions to the loss of innocence are anguish, grief, distrust, anxiety, and shattered assumptions including obsessively pondering details of the affair; continuously watching for further signs of betrayal; and physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks and intrusive images.

The betrayed spouse is often in a kind of shock during this phase. He or she may fear that they will be punished forever for the betrayal while they grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair. Additionally, the unfaithful partner may experience fear of losing important or meaningful relationships and may experience grief and anguish over the loss of the relationships. At this stage, the betrayed partner often seeks support and empathy from anyone who will listen.

The involved spouse is often upset when the exposure exceeds his or her comfort zone or includes his or her own friends, family and even children. Basic disclosure of some aspects of the affair usually takes place at this early phase. While X-rated details can be harmful, basic general information of when, where, how long, etc. Clinical Notes: Usually people seek help during this phase.

More often than not, the betrayed spouse initiates the therapy. At this stage, the therapist may help the couple realize three important facts: Affairs are very common. An affair is not necessarily the end of the marriage. This is not the time to make major decisions, such as separating, filing for divorce or selling the house. It is very important for the therapist to help the couple realize the importance of this last point regarding avoidance of decisions effecting the marriage or family.

The therapist may be able to develop a hypothesis at this early phase establishing the type of affair being dealt with. While listening to the couple and reviewing their background information, the therapist should start hypothesizing whether the affair was a result of a sexual addiction, out of control online activities, marital dissatisfaction, retribution, etc.

Once the therapist gains some understanding of the history, nature and meaning of the affair, it may be possible to strategize a course of action with the couple. The therapist may guide each spouse to seek support and help from family and friends and help each spouse effectively deal with the, often overwhelming, emotions of betrayal, guilt, shame or anger.

The therapist must take into consideration that sometimes relief is the dominant feeling on the part of the involved, or even the betrayed, partner. The relief often stems from not needing to conceal the secret any longer or it may be a relief from an ambiguous and confusing state of affairs.

The therapist may want to help the betrayed spouse avoid indiscriminately revealing the secret of the affair to every family member and friends of both spouses. Initial Dealing with the Affair General Description: After the initial shock wave following the discovery or initial confrontation has passed, it is time for the couple to gain perspective to become more reflective.

This is a time where people get some support to normalize their initial and often strong emotional reaction and to start thinking about the meaning and potential implications of the affair for themselves, the marriage and family, including children, parents, in-laws, etc.

This is a phase that often involves a lot of blame between the spouses with unresolved and often unspoken hurt often coming to the surface. It is of utmost importance to the potential positive future of the marriage for the involved spouse to focus ASAP on several initial issues: Cut off all contact with the lover, if possible. In an office affair, a complete disconnect is often not possible. In these situations, the involved spouse must promise that the romantic connection will be severed completely and all contact will be short and restricted to business matters.

Make a commitment to future honesty and marital integrity. Offer a sincere apology. Repeat the apology, as necessary. These safety issues must be addressed fully. After the affair is exposed, revealing some basic and general details is appropriate.

This general information may include: How long did the affair last? How did it start? How often did the involved spouse meet with the lover? Who else knows about the affair? The mandate of complete and explicit honesty, as advocated by several experts, seems to me unrealistic and potentially dangerous for the following reasons: Too many specific or graphic details can unnecessarily fuel fear and obsession and can be needlessly haunting to the betrayed spouse for a very long period of time.

Unfaithful women are in increased danger of domestic violence and even murder when an affair is revealed. Adding unnecessary details can increase such dangers. While the betrayed spouse may still be sitting on the fence regarding the future of the marriage, a commitment to the marriage on behalf of the involved spouse is essential so the process of healing can continue. In this third stage, a roadmap is provided for rebuilding the marriage if both partners are willing.

Some couples are not ready to re-commit but instead either consider separation or are willing to stay in the limbo of uncertainty. At this stage, couples tend to review the marriage from its inception and try to understand what happened and, if possible, why. The reason for the affair and the events that led to it may be clarified.

Whether the affair was fueled by a midlife crises, empty nest, sexually withholding spouse, sex addiction or revenge, the likely factors that led to the affair should be acknowledge and attended to. The injured partner also has difficult work to do. He or she may need to come down from the pedestal, drop the saint or martyr role, move past the anger and hurt, and, often, hardest of all, be willing to examine his or her role in the underlying marriage problems. The betrayed spouse, hopefully, is now less obsessed with the affair and can focus on the big picture of the marriage and start feeling some forgiveness.

Accordingly, different situations require different treatment plans: An affair that was driven by retribution, marital dissatisfaction or a withholding spouse should focus on marital therapy geared to increase effective communication, empathy, compassion and love. A clear exit affair should be followed by therapeutic interventions that are meditative in nature. An affair that was driven by sexual addiction or by online obsession is most likely to benefit from couple therapy in conjunction with individual treatment for the involved spouse and his or her addictive or obsessive issues.

Therapists should help the couple further identify their concerns, hopes and goals. They should facilitate the individual and joint decision-making process regarding the future of the marriage so it is neither rushed nor impulsive. If the couple have children, it is of extreme importance that the couple tries first to resurrect the marriage before they plan a separation. Most family therapists work with the couple together as the primary approach.

However, a deeply ambivalent spouse or a severely agitated spouse may also need some individual therapy sessions. Research has shown that men and women who had affairs and kept the fact from their spouses — but disclosed it to researchers in anonymous questionnaires — failed to make much progress after several months of counseling.

If the involved person needs to grieve the loss of the lover in the affair, this should be done privately or during individual sessions with the therapist and not in the presence of the spouse. Therapist should never take a punitive or moralistic stance relative to such grief. The person who had the affair must learn to tolerate distrust by the partner and not become self-righteous or indignant. The therapist should help couples to develop strategies to reduce suspicion and increase trust.

Therapy should introduce couples to some of the challenges they are facing and articulate the process that may take place to assist healing. Ambivalence on the part of the betrayed partner should be tolerated at this stage. One of the hardest tasks for therapists, in general, and especially in infidelity cases, is to help the betrayed partner move beyond the feeling of betrayal and victimization. While the betrayed partner did not cause the affair, it is true in most cases that he or she has passively or actively co-contributed to the events that led to the affair.

Sometimes the contribution was to ignore red flags, sometimes it was a matter of being abusive, suspicious, controlling or withholding. If the couple decides to separate, hopefully the therapist can help them achieve it in a constructive way, especially if children are involved.

It is important that therapists, at this stage, help couples understand the evolution or story line of the marriage and the complex personal, vocational, developmental, familial, etc.

They should not be standard or generic because there is no one size that fits all. While it is may be premature for the betrayed person to forgive, the goals of forgiveness and letting go should be introduced at this stage. Without assigning guilt and innocence, each spouse, at this stage, hopefully, with the help of the therapist, would be able to identify the way they have contributed to the infidelity crisis and how each can do things differently in the future.

Therapists should explain that in most cases, recovery cannot begin until contact with the affair partner is terminated. Stopping an affair does not just mean ending sexual intercourse. All personal discussions, coffee breaks and phone calls must also be stopped. When the affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be strictly business, and necessary or unplanned encounters must be shared with the spouse in order to rebuild trust. Therapists must explain to the couple that rebuilding trust is an uneven process that often takes three steps forward, two steps back.

Beginning again: Building a Stronger Post-Affair Marriage General Description: The fourth and last stage concerns the metamorphosis of the relationship into a mature love. Unlike the falling-in-love stage that characterizes the inception of most marriages, this mature love is based on realistic expectations, knowledge and caring for each other. Some scholars have pointed out that the initial falling-in-love phase, with all its idealization and unrealistic expectations, is partly responsible f or the prevalence of affairs.

Some psychologists have described the falling-in-love state as similar to a psychotic state where reality is distorted and facts are twisted. The idea is that the unrealistic, idealized expectations of the early phase can never be fulfilled and therefore the spouses are inevitably doomed to be deeply disillusioned and disappointed. They then act out their disappointment by having an affair. In the idealized love phase, the partner does everything right and appears to be your perfect soul mate.

It is a phase of a relationship that many people go through, but it is not a phase that lasts forever, nor is it a phase that leads to a lasting, realistic or mature relationship. In mature love, an individual starts to learn how his or her own weaknesses result in difficulties in a relationship. In mature love an individual is willing to consciously work on developing their relationship and each partner consciously works on making their relationship interesting and fulfilling.

In mature love, both partners recognize that their relationship will have problems and conflicts and that the conflicts can be seen and used as opportunities for growth and development. At best, they develop the important capacity to agree to disagree. At this stage, the betrayed partner should have resolved his or her resentment and come to a place of either acceptance or forgiveness.

The second therapeutic challenge, at this stage, is to promote an affair-proof marriage. The therapist should help the couple understand that remembering, regression, suspicions or grief are all normal feelings that may be evoked at different times.

However, one should neither indiscriminately share these upsetting feelings with the partner nor always act on them. At this point, the therapist may want to evaluate the strength of the marriage and vulnerabilities for future infidelity by looking at: The strength of the marriage, e. The therapist also works with the couple to develop new or improved communications skills and methods for resolving conflicts, which were previously avoided and submerged in the pre-affair era.

To forgive is to pardon, exonerate, absolve, make allowances for, harbor no grudge against and bury the hatchet. Forgiveness is letting go of anger and resentment.

Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection. A sense of injury is an aggrieved feeling about something or towards someone as a result of real or perceived insult, harm or ill-intentioned actions.

Evidently, forgiveness and letting go of the pain inflicted is of extreme importance in healing from an affair. Holding on to the angry pain is a significant obstacle to mature love. Regardless of how the affair is introduced in therapy, therapists must attend to the following important issues: Therapists must identify the type of affair they are dealing with so they construct appropriate and relevant clinical interventions.

For example, affairs that are fueled by sexual addiction will require a different response than affairs that are brought about by revenge or marital dissatisfaction. One of the concerns with some infidelity research is that it does not always account for the different types of affairs when it provides general conclusions or averages from survey type research.

Therapists must take into consideration that some affairs are neither driven by marriage dissatisfaction nor by discontent.

Some cultures accept affairs as normal and some even expect it in marriages. There are also situations where spouses and marriages have benefited from affairs in a variety of ways. Some therapists take a moralistic and punitive approach to affairs and discard any or all cultural or other factors involved. Therapists who hold such strong moralistic feelings towards affairs must self-disclose them to clients prior to the beginning of treatment and respect clients who choose to get help elsewhere.

Therapists should weigh carefully the time and place for individual vs. At times, family sessions may be appropriate if the other family members or old-enough children are involved or drawn into the infidelity conflict. Individual, couple and family sessions can be conducted in conjunction with each other if the clinical situation requires it. Affair recovery is three steps forward and two steps backward until enough time goes by for stability. I have successfully worked with couples on both ends of the spectrum with much success.

Being able to save your relationship rests on your desire to want to. That, coupled with affair recovery with me, can make that happen. Please contact me for an appointment at or through my website: CouplesCounselorSanDiego.